Holding on
When I was in my impressionable early teens, I came across Rudyard Kipling's poem "If" and thought it made a lot of sense, and it would be a good set of principles by which to live my life.
More than ten years later, I re-read the poem this week, and think that, by and large, I haven't done too badly, despite having forgotten about the poem and its principles in the intervening years. I put this down to my early upbringing and my mother's influence, and probably due to my innate character traits as well, such as stubbornness. I hate quitting for example.
And so, I have held on. Long after so many of my peers have given up, moved on, and sent those "moving on" emails. But sometimes, I wonder at what point should I stop holding on and just walk away. At one point can I walk away with my head held high, without feeling like I've been beaten down by the system, without feeling like I'm quitting because I'm weak. My resilience probably stems more from an internal demon, a need to prove something (to who exactly?), or maybe confusion and not knowing what I want, than feeling like I have much more to gain/ learn from my job. Up to this point, and even now, I do think there is more for me to learn. But the relative cost/benefit just may not make sense anymore.
I'm so constantly angry - at some very stupid people I work with, some inhumane people I work with, the office politics, the scary randomness of how people are favoured or otherwise and how quickly the winds can change, the stupid un-cooperative and constantly shouting clients, the sudden requests and last minute rush, the wasted work that no one reviews... the endless repetition of mundane pitching - so constantly stressed... that I wonder if it makes sense any longer, this holding on.
It shouldn't bother me, all this noise, given that I'm planning to leave in May 2009 anyway, given that I think my work is essentially meaningless. And so, I shouldn't be stressed. But I am, nonetheless. It's strange.
Maybe I just need to go to the gym and/or yoga to release all this energy. I haven't been in a while, which has probably built up the pressure in me. It's difficult when the Boy is around, and I much prefer lying in his arms in the morning than go gymming. I should go this week and maximise my "me"-time while he is away on business.
More than ten years later, I re-read the poem this week, and think that, by and large, I haven't done too badly, despite having forgotten about the poem and its principles in the intervening years. I put this down to my early upbringing and my mother's influence, and probably due to my innate character traits as well, such as stubbornness. I hate quitting for example.
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on"
And so, I have held on. Long after so many of my peers have given up, moved on, and sent those "moving on" emails. But sometimes, I wonder at what point should I stop holding on and just walk away. At one point can I walk away with my head held high, without feeling like I've been beaten down by the system, without feeling like I'm quitting because I'm weak. My resilience probably stems more from an internal demon, a need to prove something (to who exactly?), or maybe confusion and not knowing what I want, than feeling like I have much more to gain/ learn from my job. Up to this point, and even now, I do think there is more for me to learn. But the relative cost/benefit just may not make sense anymore.
I'm so constantly angry - at some very stupid people I work with, some inhumane people I work with, the office politics, the scary randomness of how people are favoured or otherwise and how quickly the winds can change, the stupid un-cooperative and constantly shouting clients, the sudden requests and last minute rush, the wasted work that no one reviews... the endless repetition of mundane pitching - so constantly stressed... that I wonder if it makes sense any longer, this holding on.
It shouldn't bother me, all this noise, given that I'm planning to leave in May 2009 anyway, given that I think my work is essentially meaningless. And so, I shouldn't be stressed. But I am, nonetheless. It's strange.
Maybe I just need to go to the gym and/or yoga to release all this energy. I haven't been in a while, which has probably built up the pressure in me. It's difficult when the Boy is around, and I much prefer lying in his arms in the morning than go gymming. I should go this week and maximise my "me"-time while he is away on business.
1 Comments:
Holding on to something despite everything is admirable. But having the courage to let go of the familiar and venturing into the unknown deserves respect.
By
meeloop, at 3:18 AM
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